I am a Chinese Jamaican. Recently I've gotten into literature about the history of Chinese Jamaicans and done some internet research about the culture group. I find out so much more than I anticipated and I believe there's so much more knowledge to pursue otherwise and even further in the literature.
The identities combine in such a way that I've never thought of because I always took it for granted as a child and person growing up. I mean it's such an interesting area of study. I can't believe I've never fully understood it or pursued it futher. How it never crossed my mind before.
So anyway studying in University for almost 4 years and learning how to think critically and become a self-reflexive person have shaped my thinking about the world and myself. Its never been a concern to me when I was living in Jamaica about my ethnic-cultural history or why it would matter. But right now, it seems like such a complex discourse and study that I can't help but think about it constantly on and on while I'm pursuing my studies.
I've found a few things that really triggered my interest. I guess one most important one is the documentary forgottenfaces on youtube which spoke about the Chinese riots in Jamaican history. It was such a troubling time for the country and especially for "my people" who were the subject of much contempt. I cannot begin to imagine what persons had to endure, how much pain and sufferring occurred. How much pain I had endured.
Naturally it prompted me google searching "chinese jamaicans" and it brought up the website of chinesejamaicans.com and it's such an interesting subject I guess that many others took part in writing about it and sharing receipes and family photos about life as Chinese Jamaicans in Jamaica. I felt such a nostalgic sense of home when I saw those photos and thought of my own childhood and the places I used to frequent and the environment of Jamaica. It always captivated me really. But then again, I was small. Many other things did and they still do. I'm still exploring life options and right now, it's so hard.
As I reflect about identity and the world around, the globally affecting forces of capitalism, what I understand is that you always move on. You always get over it so to speak. You don't need to dwell on one thing forever. It will dissipate (lack of better word) with time. Places seem blurry and people forgotten. I remember things I wish I didn't and I want to remember things I don't know anymore.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Yesterday March 2nd 2012
I woke at 5am unable to sleep anymore than I should have. On the way to school I had in mind to accomplish 3 things that day: go see the person at the Career Center about grad school, go to class and listen to presentations since its apart of participation mark and finally enrol in classes for the summer.
When I arrived, I got some breakfast and stalled in the computer lab until 10:30 and went to the Career Center. I had asked several questions and one of the most relevant was that I told her my GPA and she says with a disapproving look: "oh... that's a little low. You really should work on that" Of course, she understands that some applicationis don't look at your grades from 1st and 2nd year if they're bad but they will seriously consider 3rd and 4th year grades. I knew this and I knew my GPA was low because I hadn't did that well in my 1st and 2nd year. But 3rd year was likely one of my best years. And then it began to go downhil from there....
I arrived in class early, which I really regret because of small talk I had with this random girl in class. But what most I regretted was the fact that my grades are again failing. So I go up to the prof feeling horribly confused and generally not thinking straight and I asked her "Can I do the paper over?" Her reply was "No that wouldn't be fair to the other students" So instead I asked "Can I do something else?" i,e, compensation. and her answer was a disapproving shake of the head. At this point she could likely see the tears starting to well up in my eyes so she says something along the lines of "do kickass in the presentation and paper" and I walked away before I fully broke down.
At 3:30 my class enrolment was still not open I gave up and went home. And I enrolled later that day
When I arrived, I got some breakfast and stalled in the computer lab until 10:30 and went to the Career Center. I had asked several questions and one of the most relevant was that I told her my GPA and she says with a disapproving look: "oh... that's a little low. You really should work on that" Of course, she understands that some applicationis don't look at your grades from 1st and 2nd year if they're bad but they will seriously consider 3rd and 4th year grades. I knew this and I knew my GPA was low because I hadn't did that well in my 1st and 2nd year. But 3rd year was likely one of my best years. And then it began to go downhil from there....
I arrived in class early, which I really regret because of small talk I had with this random girl in class. But what most I regretted was the fact that my grades are again failing. So I go up to the prof feeling horribly confused and generally not thinking straight and I asked her "Can I do the paper over?" Her reply was "No that wouldn't be fair to the other students" So instead I asked "Can I do something else?" i,e, compensation. and her answer was a disapproving shake of the head. At this point she could likely see the tears starting to well up in my eyes so she says something along the lines of "do kickass in the presentation and paper" and I walked away before I fully broke down.
At 3:30 my class enrolment was still not open I gave up and went home. And I enrolled later that day
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