Reminder to myself

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Embracing differences

So I was watching a random video of madwhitejamaican on youtube and I think he was doing the Jamaican tag or something but he say something like Jamaicans dont care about color or they are quote on quote color blind. Immediately my reaction was that no way. how could this be true?

Of all the things I have been around to hear or to actually been told, I can't find that Jamaica doesn't have its own problems in relation to race and country of origin. Personally, its actually a little offensive nature of Jamaica that you can't avoid. Sure they act all nice and put on fake smiles when they're around tourist like people but when it come to real yaad behaviour is a totally diffierent care. True what he say. Jamaican people *love* war. is like them worship that. Coming like they nah nottin betta fi do...

Past friendships

When I say past friendships, I don't mean randon acquaintances and the hi and bye friends. I mean the type of friendship spanning long years and long days and hours spent with friends. The specific interactions you had together and all the laughs. Not so much the tears although I'm sure there were some.

So back in high school, more than 4 years ago, I had these two friends... They were very close to me and we have since drifted apart, it's funny how time changes lives. We used to be roommates on weekdays and lived with our parents on weekends, but according to math, that meant we spent about under 66% of a week in each other's presence especially since we were students and didnt work. I remember days we would listen to music in the car (music I downloaded from Azureus and put onto CDs). Some songs they would hate but they would like some. I remember falling asleep frequently during the drives since they were 1-2 hours long depending on traffic and weather. I remember how we would frequent fast food places at night on random days or stop at chinese food after school. I remember how I was in badminton club and we would end school later. I remember how after school while we waited for our ride, we would buy a loaf with cheese inside and it was always so warm and yummy. We'd go home and play Final Fantasy 11 and we all thought it was the best game ever, although never really said it. Sometimes, social interactions it involved some sort of online love interest in the game and I'm pretty sure we all thought it was magical to be able to have that interaction. Anyways, it was over in such a short 2 years.

Those days were such an memorable and loved part of life that I really don't want to let them go. I don't ever want to lose the memories of that time, especially since I'm at a point where I can't figure where I'm going with life.

I saw one of my friends from back then in September of this month( gosh, I can't believe it's already been more than a month since I saw her). Anyway, I heard she is doing well since she found a job recently, but I just wanted to try and remember a few things to help me remember my past. Maybe I can learn for my future.

Navigating two languages

I admit that I have trouble communicating with my parents. Ever since I was little, my parents would always speak to me in Cantonese and although I've spoke it into adulthood, I can't speak my native tongue with them freely and openly. Theres a huge disadvantage to this because they can't tell how I think. Though, maybe its not possible to know how anyone think unless you have a career in neurology or brain study. Anyway, since I devote alot of time speaking to them, I wish there was a easier way around this. Then, maybe I could happier and live a more fulfilling life.

But this problem exists and I honestly think it isn't going to cut it to look up keywords online for them and spending time trying to explain an idea or not even bothering to explain something on the presumption that they won't understand it anyway.

I think I could really take their suggestion about learning Cantonese more seriously but I've always made it an unimportant priority of mine to my discontent. Honestly, why can't I just get anything done? Maybe it's their fault for not enrolling me into a language program from an early age or themselves not taking a class at an early age. But why is it that to learn a language you have to be young rather than old? Is that really necessary?

Languages will always be a complicated issue to me. So I will be searching for ways to solve these issues in the near future.

Chinese Jamaican Society - Short global reflection

I am a Chinese Jamaican. Recently I've gotten into literature about the history of Chinese Jamaicans and done some internet research about the culture group. I find out so much more than I anticipated and I believe there's so much more knowledge to pursue otherwise and even further in the literature.

The identities combine in  such a way that I've never thought of because I always took it for granted as a child and person growing up. I mean it's such an interesting area of study. I can't believe I've never fully understood it or pursued it futher. How it never crossed my mind before.

So anyway studying in University for almost 4 years and learning how to think critically and become a self-reflexive person have shaped my thinking about the world and myself. Its never been a concern to me when I was living in Jamaica about my ethnic-cultural history or why it would matter. But right now, it seems like such a complex discourse and study that I can't help but think about it constantly on and on while I'm pursuing my studies.

I've found a few things that really triggered my interest. I guess one most important one is the documentary forgottenfaces on youtube which spoke about the Chinese riots in Jamaican history. It was such a troubling time for the country and especially for "my people" who were the subject of much contempt. I cannot begin to imagine what persons had to endure, how much pain and sufferring occurred. How much pain I had endured.

Naturally it prompted me google searching "chinese jamaicans" and it brought up the website of chinesejamaicans.com and it's such an interesting subject I guess that many others took part in writing about it and sharing receipes and family photos about life as Chinese Jamaicans in Jamaica. I felt such a nostalgic sense of home when I saw those photos and thought of my own childhood and the places I used to frequent and the environment of Jamaica. It always captivated me really. But then again, I was small. Many other things did and they still do. I'm still exploring life options and right now, it's so hard.

As I reflect about identity and the world around, the globally affecting forces of capitalism, what I understand is that you always move on. You always get over it so to speak. You don't need to dwell on one thing forever. It will dissipate (lack of better word) with time. Places seem blurry and people forgotten. I remember things I wish I didn't and I want to remember things I don't know anymore.

Yesterday March 2nd 2012

I woke at 5am unable to sleep anymore than I should have. On the way to school I had in mind to accomplish 3 things that day: go see the person at the Career Center about grad school, go to class and listen to presentations since its apart of participation mark and finally enrol in classes for the summer.

When I arrived, I got some breakfast and stalled in the computer lab until 10:30 and went to the Career Center. I had asked several questions and one of the most relevant was that I told her my GPA and she says with a disapproving look: "oh... that's a little low. You really should work on that" Of course, she understands that some applicationis don't look at your grades from 1st and 2nd year if they're bad but they will seriously consider 3rd and 4th year grades. I knew this and I knew my GPA was low because I hadn't did that well in my 1st and 2nd year. But 3rd year was likely one of my best years. And then it began to go downhil from there....

I arrived in class early, which I really regret because of small talk I had with this random girl in class. But what most I regretted was the fact that my grades are again failing. So I go up to the prof feeling horribly confused and generally not thinking straight and I asked her "Can I do the paper over?" Her reply was "No that wouldn't be fair to the other students" So instead I asked "Can I do something else?" i,e, compensation. and her answer was a disapproving shake of the head. At this point she could likely see the tears starting to well up in my eyes so she says something along the lines of "do kickass in the presentation and paper" and I walked away before I fully broke down.


At 3:30 my class enrolment was still not open I gave up and went home. And I enrolled later that day

today on the streetcar

I was on the streetcar this morning during rush hour and I notice some of the strangest things about people and society. its rather strange and it occupies my mind for the entire 20 minutes ride.

A man got on the streetcar at Dundas West and he got in from the bank doors so he had to step up the stairs.. well because it was so packed he hd to stand on the steps. because the streetcar doors wontclose he was forced by thedriver and an individual who ylled"youhave to give up at some point, he was obligated to remove himself :(

Another incident occurred when a small kid playing a video game was sitting in the back with her dad and when this asian girl with a backpack almost smacked the kid in the head with the backpack as she was getting up... but at that time, he dad reached his hand out to shove out of the direction of his daughter's head.. now this other on-looker sitting near by saw this and begins to shake his head disapprovingly at the asian girl.

Hm